Celebrity News

* The hottest, latest biking celeb news stories, with the celebs taken out!




Men Ride to Spain

Kevin Ash

(click on images)

Valencia_1

One bloke and two don`t knows are going to ride to Spain on motorbikes.

The bloke`s on an R1 with what looks like a swastika and death`s head on the side so he could get a mixed reception. The other two are on blokey bikes too, but theirs are pink and they even have pink leathers, so they`ve got to be a bit unsure about which side of the bat to play off, you`d have thought. They could get a mixed reception too.

A Yamaha R1A Yamaha R1Or it could be just scraping the barrel because none of them are famous enough to be recognised but it`s the best the bike industry could do, so they made them wear pink to make people look. You`d have thought arriving on bikes that look like Wall-E the Robot would have been enough.

Piano salesman hoping his wife doesn't notice her underwear is missingPiano salesman hoping his wife doesn't notice her underwear is missingOne of the don`t knows used to be the rear half of a pantomime cat or something when Kajagoogoo were in the charts, while the other one runs the last Yamaha dealership in England, though he probably sells pianos because no one buys their motorbikes anymore. Oh, except Riders for Health which uses Yamahas for riding about in Africa, which is nothing to do with the fact this is in aid of Riders for Health, oh no.

R1 to get new 2012 Nazi graphics option. Not in all markets though.R1 to get new 2012 Nazi graphics option. Not in all markets though.The bloke makes a living talking about motorbikes, so he`s going to be interesting company, isn`t he.

Woman Buys Moto Guzzi

Kevin Ash

(click on images)

MotoGuzzi_V7_Classic_18

A woman who was on television ages ago playing the part of a policewoman spying on a bloke, getting found out, quitting, marrying the bloke then opening up a nail salon, staffing it with Daleks before turning lesbian and having an affair with a Bulgarian telephone sanitiser, has bought a Moto Guzzi.

A different woman with a Guzzi V7 Classic, but that's okay because this one's more fit.A different woman with a Guzzi V7 Classic, but that's okay because this one's more fit.No, it`s true, she really has bought a Guzzi. But she might have got a good deal because she used to be famous once, and it`s only a little Guzzi V7 Classic and doesn`t cost much anyway, not like a Stelvio or anything which is a bit tall for a lot of women.

Man Buys Honda

Kevin Ash

(click on images)

JamesJordan

A man has bought a popular Honda sports bike.

The man wanted a motorbike when he was young, but his mum and dad wouldn`t let him. Now he`s grown up though he can do what he wants.

The man also appears to have bought a Shoei helmet, although it might have been a gift. Either way, it matches the bike quite well. Not sure about the leathers and gloves though,they must have been a gift you'd have thoughtThe man also appears to have bought a Shoei helmet, although it might have been a gift. Either way, it matches the bike quite well. Not sure about the leathers and gloves though,they must have been a gift you'd have thoughtIt`s not known if the other man whose reflection is in the window is waiting to buy another popular Honda sports bike after the first man. But he might be.

Man Buys Ducati 848

Kevin Ash
Ducati_848_111

A man has bought a Ducati 848. The man, who has been in the army, has ginger hair and well known parents (one of whom passed away) is said to like motorcycles because people can`t see his face, although he looks alright to me. Maybe it`s the hair he`s bothered about.

A man whose face you can't see who might be ginger on an 848 last WednesdayA man whose face you can't see who might be ginger on an 848 last WednesdayThe man`s brother also has a Ducati, but his is a bigger one, an 1198, but then he`s older and older brothers always have to have bigger toys.

The two brothers went on a ride in Africa last year, or maybe the year before, and raised some money for charity, although it wasn`t very much considering they`re stinking rich and have stacks of posh friends.

So if you see an 848 it might be this man. Or it might not. It could even be a bird.

Bike Industry Looks for People

An EXCLUSIVE! by Bertie Simmonds

Artwork: Kevin Ash



jodie002The MCIA hopes that people will see other people more famous and important than them on bikes who look like this and want to be like them so much they'll buy a bike too. This is actually a drawing and not a photo, so I don't have to pay a fee to have it on my website. To see the real thing click on the link below and scroll down a bit:

* A celebrity biker last Tuesday *
(and you thought I was making it up)

* The UK’s Motorcycle Industry Association (MCIA) has announced that it wants to get people who act for a living, or do other things, interested in motorcycles by giving them bikes for nothing. Or cheap if they’re not quite famous enough.

Following the revelation that two men single handedly (er, shouldn’t that be double handedly, if there are two of them? – Kev) caused lots of German motorbikes to be sold to people who saw on TV their tough and lonely rides around the world with their support team of 30 people (make that 32 handedly then - Kev) and two big cars and loads of money (see ‘Men Ride Around the World’, below), the MCIA has appointed a publicity agency to find more people who ride free motorcycles so other people can see them and want to ride them as well, although they probably won't mention that not all motorcycles come with large support teams. Or that the other people will have to pay for them.

It's not yet clear if the MCIA wants the people who are actually on television and stuff or the people who hang about with them, who can then become properly famous later for being a person who the MCIA wants to become famous. Or something. But it’s good news for agencies who trouser lots of wonga to write press releases about people who appear on television sometimes, and for this column.

Somebody said yesterday: ‘This is very good news for the industry. We've got loads of manufacturers simply itching to give away or sell a motorcycle cheap to a person who is or was on television sometimes. People like that man on Emmerdale and that orange girl with the funny nose who hates Jordan and is always pictured wearing very little. I think she went out with Shakey Byrne once. And we're itching to charge an arm and a leg to write about it.’

Men Ride Around the World

the_worldThe world which the men were riding around, but you can't see them because they were on the other side when the picture was taken (Picture: Kevin Ash)* Two men rode around the world a couple of years ago or something, with the help of some other men in cars. And lots of money. And some bikes they'd been given.

One of the men makes a living from pretending he's other men. The other man makes a living from being friends with the first man.





Honda in DN-01 Sale Shock!

Honda_DN01_01A Honda DN-01, probably the same one as the man bought, I mean, there can't be many around, can there?* The motorcycle world was rocked recently by news that Honda has sold a DN-01! According to sources, who also claim to have seen a DN-01 outside a motorcycle show, Honda hasn't even secretly registered it as a demonstrator or added it to its press fleet of 50 DN-01s, but a man really bought it of his own free will.

The man, who is married to a woman, claims to have chosen the DN-01 because he looks good on it, but then Ashonbikes' own sources know that when the man once had 10 Gold Leaf cigarettes stolen from a coat he'd left hanging up, he took the empty packet back to the corner shop to complain. Obviously he's a few cogs short of a full gearbox, which probably explains his choice.

Even though he wasn't asked, the man said: 'The DN-01 is perfect for my sorts of journeys as it includes heavy traffic, dual carriageways and the odd stretch of motorway.' Stretches of motorway which will look a lot odder with a DN-01 on them...

A spokesman for the Honda dealer which sold the man the DN-01 said. 'We saw him coming.'



Man Buys Yamaha 125

Yamaha_R1_02The Yamaha R1, which the man would probably like to ride one day when he's passed his test* A man recently bought a Yamaha YZF-R125 after passing his Compulsory Basic Training, as a sort of reward to himself, even though it's almost impossible to fail CBT.

He bought it from a London motorcycle dealer, like lots of other people.

The man acts for a living.




Man Puts Fuel In Bike

Men_fill_bikesSeveral men putting fuel in their motorcycles some time last year - click on image* A man was seen putting fuel into his motorcycle in a Los Angeles petrol station recently. The man owns quite a lot of motorcycles, according to uncredited reports, but unknown sources think he likes the Norton he was refuelling the best.

The fact that he was refuelling it does suggest he was looking forward to riding it some more.

Unnamed people, who are allegedly said by other unnamed people to know the man, think he likes going fast, and reckon this is proved by the fact that he is supposed to have had two accidents, although owning a Norton appears to contradict a liking for speed. His employers though have banned him from riding while he's working for them, which seems sensible, given his record.

The man earns his living as an actor.

Man Buys KTM

KTM_690DukeA KTM Duke 690 very similar to the one bought by a man, except his was the black and white version which I don't have a picture of at the moment* A man has bought a KTM Duke, which he rides near to where he lives. He says it looks pretty and although he was expecting it to be light, nimble and ideal for town use, it's much more, including being agile and capable of manoeuvres he could not perform on other bikes. He also says it is steerable, although if he rode other bikes he'd probably find they're steerable too.

In fact if they weren't they wouldn't be much use to anyone.

He does seem to have a problem with the KTM though as out of town it takes his breath away. He finds that lowering himself on the bike helps it to go faster, although if he'd bought a more powerful bike he wouldn't need to do this. He said he had a wide grin at one stage, but the sound of the engine enlarged this to the point where it threatened to catch the wind and lift him off the bike. Presumably he was wearing an open-faced helmet, known to be less safe than a full faced one, thereby setting a bad example to his friends.

He added that the KTM reminded him why he rides a motorcycle, suggesting some memory issues.

The man appears on television sometimes to talk about cars.

Kawasaki Sells Two Motorbikes to Man

Kawasaki_KX250FA Kawasaki KX250F last Friday, although this one has probably been bought by a different man* Kawasaki has sold a motorbike to a man who also bought a smaller one for his younger brother! The man bought a KX250F motocrosser for himself, and said: "I had already half decided to get a brand new bike this year when my 11 year-old brother said he wanted a lime green Kawasaki. So I bought the smaller 65cc bike for him and after reading the reviews of the KX250F I bought one of those for myself."
Although the KX250F is a competition machine, the man, who acts for a living, added: "I don`t think I will have enough time to train for races."

shuggiemac
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Brilliant !!!

I love a thoroughly good pis* take of celebrity culture.

More please.

Hooper
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Excellent! More of this please.

shuggiemac
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It's getting better and better.

You credit the picture of the earth to Kevin Ash - were you on the same planet as the DN-01 buying celeb husband with your box brownie at the time?

kevash
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Ha, I wondered if anyone would spot the picture credit. I am of course an astronaut in my spare time...

shuggiemac
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There must be more celebrity news due - please ?!?!?!?!

shuggiemac
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Hell's teeth that is horrible. She looks better in the drawing than she does in the photo's.
.
What worries me more is how you managed to find it in the first place !!

kevash
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It was a grim search...

rocca
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"One is sure one is not noticed by one's subjects when riding one's white Ducati through Kensington & Chelsea with one's armed detectives on Hayabusas".

dogfm
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I once saw La Marsh at Donnington Park when Shakey was riding with Suzuki, without lowering the tone of your forum KA I wouldn't ...

It would be great if she did start riding bikes as long as she remembered all the protective gear all the time including all photoshoots. I have an old aerostich and full face helmet with dark visor I'd let her have provided she kept the visor shut ;)

kevash
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It'd lower the tone if you would....

She does ride bikes in fact, and even did a test for MCN once. I'm sure it was extremely authoritative.

rocca
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That Brummie bloke who used to be on the BBC with the bird who is going out with that footballer (no not that one, the other one), and who is now on another channel with the same bird at a different time of day when nobody watches them any more, was in the papers not long ago riding a motorcycle on a road without a helmet but still wearing a jacket which had some high-vis stripes on it.

Another bloke who actually is a footballer but who isn't as far as his wife knows going out with that bird who has to sit next to that miserable Brummie bloke on a sofa in the morning, who is going out with another footballer anyway, was also in the paper a while back riding or possibly just sitting on a bespoke custom motorcycle whilst wearing some fashionable clothing.

rocca
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The really worrying thing, Kevin, is that the headless bloke in photo 4 has a helmet just like that one you're wearing in the Enfield Bullet review.

C'mon 'fess up. There's only me here so no-one else needs to know. I can arrange counselling.

If you admit to one charge of displaying questionable militaristic insignia on the side of an animated Pixar character in a built-up area I might let the matter of your friend's gross affront to public decency (photo 1) lie on the file. He'll have to sign the Arai Protection Register, though-

kevash
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Ah, but does he have a helmet like mine? He is in fact the Anti Kev, a negative version whose helmet's monochromatic reversal is a warning that we can never meet or there will be an explosion so huge the very fabric of space-time itself will be ripped asunder.

rocca
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Yeah, good point. Been on the dilithium crystals all afternoon so I missed that.

Remember though that all irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic, heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium atomic weights are available: gold, lead, copper, jet, diamond, radium, sapphire, silver and steel. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned!!

Bertie Simmonds
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Best celeb story by far, Kev....

kevash
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Cheers Bertie! I feel the Steve McQueen Bonneville welling up next...

shuggiemac
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Feeling so bloody left out again - I have not got a clue who this is about. I think I need to come back home again, if for no other reason than the excellent Celebrity News has now meant nothing to me on two occasions and that will not do.

Still funny though.