Celebrity News

An EXCLUSIVE! by Bertie Simmonds

Artwork: Kevin Ash


The MCIA hopes that people will see other people more famous and important than them on bikes who look like this and want to be like them so much they'll buy a bike too. This is actually a drawing and not a photo, so I don't have to pay a fee to have it on my website. To see the real thing click on the link below and scroll down a bit:

* A celebrity biker last Tuesday *
(and you thought I was making it up)
* The UK’s Motorcycle Industry Association (MCIA) has announced that it wants to get people who act for a living, or do other things, interested in motorcycles by giving them bikes for nothing. Or cheap if they’re not quite famous enough.

Following the revelation that two men single handedly (er, shouldn’t that be double handedly, if there are two of them? – Kev) caused lots of German motorbikes to be sold to people who saw on TV their tough and lonely rides around the world with their support team of 30 people (make that 32 handedly then - Kev) and two big cars and loads of money (see ‘Men Ride Around the World’, below), the MCIA has appointed a publicity agency to find more people who ride free motorcycles so other people can see them and want to ride them as well, although they probably won't mention that not all motorcycles come with large support teams. Or that the other people will have to pay for them.

It's not yet clear if the MCIA wants the people who are actually on television and stuff or the people who hang about with them, who can then become properly famous later for being a person who the MCIA wants to become famous. Or something. But it’s good news for agencies who trouser lots of wonga to write press releases about people who appear on television sometimes, and for this column.

Somebody said yesterday: ‘This is very good news for the industry. We've got loads of manufacturers simply itching to give away or sell a motorcycle cheap to a person who is or was on television sometimes. People like that man on Emmerdale and that orange girl with the funny nose who hates Jordan and is always pictured wearing very little. I think she went out with Shakey Byrne once. And we're itching to charge an arm and a leg to write about it.’

The world which the men were riding around, but you can't see them because they were on the other side when the picture was taken (Picture: Kevin Ash)* Two men rode around the world a couple of years ago or something, with the help of some other men in cars. And lots of money. And some bikes they'd been given.

One of the men makes a living from pretending he's other men. The other man makes a living from being friends with the first man.

A Honda DN-01, probably the same one as the man bought, I mean, there can't be many around, can there?* The motorcycle world was rocked recently by news that Honda has sold a DN-01! According to sources, who also claim to have seen a DN-01 outside a motorcycle show, Honda hasn't even secretly registered it as a demonstrator or added it to its press fleet of 50 DN-01s, but a man really bought it of his own free will.

The man, who is married to a woman, claims to have chosen the DN-01 because he looks good on it, but then Ashonbikes' own sources know that when the man once had 10 Gold Leaf cigarettes stolen from a coat he'd left hanging up, he took the empty packet back to the corner shop to complain. Obviously he's a few cogs short of a full gearbox, which probably explains his choice.

Even though he wasn't asked, the man said: 'The DN-01 is perfect for my sorts of journeys as it includes heavy traffic, dual carriageways and the odd stretch of motorway.' Stretches of motorway which will look a lot odder with a DN-01 on them...

A spokesman for the Honda dealer which sold the man the DN-01 said. 'We saw him coming.'

The Yamaha R1, which the man would probably like to ride one day when he's passed his test* A man recently bought a Yamaha YZF-R125 after passing his Compulsory Basic Training, as a sort of reward to himself, even though it's almost impossible to fail CBT.

He bought it from a London motorcycle dealer, like lots of other people.

The man acts for a living.

Several men putting fuel in their motorcycles some time last year - click on image* A man was seen putting fuel into his motorcycle in a Los Angeles petrol station recently. The man owns quite a lot of motorcycles, according to uncredited reports, but unknown sources think he likes the Norton he was refuelling the best.

The fact that he was refuelling it does suggest he was looking forward to riding it some more.

Unnamed people, who are allegedly said by other unnamed people to know the man, think he likes going fast, and reckon this is proved by the fact that he is supposed to have had two accidents, although owning a Norton appears to contradict a liking for speed. His employers though have banned him from riding while he's working for them, which seems sensible, given his record.

The man earns his living as an actor.

A KTM Duke 690 very similar to the one bought by a man, except his was the black and white version which I don't have a picture of at the moment* A man has bought a KTM Duke, which he rides near to where he lives. He says it looks pretty and although he was expecting it to be light, nimble and ideal for town use, it's much more, including being agile and capable of manoeuvres he could not perform on other bikes. He also says it is steerable, although if he rode other bikes he'd probably find they're steerable too.

In fact if they weren't they wouldn't be much use to anyone.

He does seem to have a problem with the KTM though as out of town it takes his breath away. He finds that lowering himself on the bike helps it to go faster, although if he'd bought a more powerful bike he wouldn't need to do this. He said he had a wide grin at one stage, but the sound of the engine enlarged this to the point where it threatened to catch the wind and lift him off the bike. Presumably he was wearing an open-faced helmet, known to be less safe than a full faced one, thereby setting a bad example to his friends.

He added that the KTM reminded him why he rides a motorcycle, suggesting some memory issues.

The man appears on television sometimes to talk about cars.

A Kawasaki KX250F last Friday, although this one has probably been bought by a different man* Kawasaki has sold a motorbike to a man who also bought a smaller one for his younger brother! The man bought a KX250F motocrosser for himself, and said: "I had already half decided to get a brand new bike this year when my 11 year-old brother said he wanted a lime green Kawasaki. So I bought the smaller 65cc bike for him and after reading the reviews of the KX250F I bought one of those for myself."
Although the KX250F is a competition machine, the man, who acts for a living, added: "I don’t think I will have enough time to train for races."